So if you don’t know anything about Dark Souls then I’ll start by filling you in with what I’ve learned so far:
* You’re undead.
* You have to ring some magical bells.
* Everything wants to kill you.
* Zoe Wannamaker narrates the opening.
Essentially, it’s the kind of game where narrative takes a back-seat to you getting your ass kicked by things. Big things, small things, flying things and, usually, the environment.
You get-killed your way through an area in order to reach the boss, which kills you a few times before you figure out how to kill it first. Then die your way through the next bit, and so on and so forth.
So there we go, I’m an undead warrior powering my way through some sort of Asylum wielding a broken butter knife.
The first thing I noticed is that there are other undead fellows around. Figuring we’ve got something in common, I walk up to one of them and proceed to have my arm being gnawed at.
I don’t think they like me. Presumably because I’m a little bit less undead than them.
Anyway, after wending my way through some tunnels and some corpses and some rubble, I find a bonfire. Apparently I’m going to love these because they restore my health and make me warm and I can snuggle up in my blanket and roast marshmallows and whatnot. They also revive all the enemies, confirming that every silver lining has a cloud.
A giant green door that brings all the camera angles to the yard tells I encounter the many-chinned Asylum Demon, bane of Dentists. I know this because his name and health bar are conveniently displayed in all their undamaged glory. I take a swipe at him and check his health bar to confirm that I dealt roughly no damage. He looks sternly at me and I die whimpering.
Pictured: Someone who looks cooler than me doing a far better job.
The only way to continue is through the room with that in it. Luckily there was a side exit, so I do my best impression of Usain Bolt and scrape my way into a tiny corridor, which loops back to the beginning, but leaves me far better equipped.
Before carrying on though, the game needs to introduce some form of plot, which it does so through the medium of a dying knight telling me his family motto, which is so long that even Tolkien gave up, and all I really took from it is that I have to ring a bell, Anita Ward style.
But first I need to kill the Asylum Demon.
Other Notable Moments:
+ Being intimately kissed by a large metal boulder.
+ Mocking the Asylum Demon from a balcony.
+ The A.D knocking the balcony down.
+ And me with it.